Tag Archives: depression

Faith Punch

My sister was 39 years old when she passed away five years ago. Two months after they discovered the cancer, it was all over. Her life had many joys, but puzzling anxieties consumed her, and in those last two months she recognized her ingratitude for the blessings in her life. However, this is also her redemption, because in the short time she had left, she found assurance of salvation, forgiveness for those who hurt her, and repentance for her failures.

Her passing is probably the saddest experience of my life. I was 15 when I decided to stop torturing her and start protecting her, but I was never able to fulfill this obligation. Too far away, too late, too distracted, too poor, too shackled. Yet, my efforts were fruitful; because of them, I was with her in the end, and she allowed me to speak into her life, to help guide her to that assurance of salvation, forgiveness, and repentance.

It is easy to remember only the very end, which is why I am glad a few of us connect to reminisce on the happy moments. This year, we are attempting something craftsy to remember her, and I did a poem. I remember her punches! Despite being so small, she was very strong! When I teased her, she would throw a quick punch that would take my breath away, all in good fun. She did not realize her own strength.

Though this poem may not mean much to you, I hope it leads you to recall with fondness those who have passed, both their struggles and their strengths.

Faith Punch

A Faith punch, her boxing about
A beauty that strikes, her craving deprived
A hunger for love, fury confounded
A toilsome joy, grinding life
A way within, always without
A one to share, more to strive
A bite of bread, baked for crowd
A lot to give, justice deprived
A mind all-retaining, the agony discounted
A fruitful dialogue, decaying time
A long gracious ramble, life-blood fouled
A heart restored, hunting the divine
A bout complete, homeward bound

Blessings! – Shamar Covenant

My Pastor and Friend

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Not too long ago, our pastor announced that he felt God calling him back to another state (about 1000 miles away from us). He said it would not happen immediately but would be in a year or more, and he wanted to be open and honest with us about it. This might not be too big a deal for many churches, but our church is a house church with 13 members at this time, so the pastor leaving feels like the end of it all. To make matters worse, a few of us said that they would go with him, leaving the rest of us feeling even more left behind.

My wife and I experienced feelings of hurt and loss since we are among those who would not make the move. As the feelings of hurt and loss stirred, an anger also rose up, and our thoughts turned antagonistic toward our pastor. After all, he was betraying us, was he not?! Thankfully, we were mature enough to recognize ungodly thoughts, and we corrected our hearts through right thinking. If God is moving our pastor away from us, then he has a plan for us right here where we are, and there is nothing to fear or be angry about. We began to pray for the team that would be moving away, and for guidance on our next steps.

One of the things that came to mind during all of this, which reinforced the reasons to not be angry and to trust God through it all, was that our pastor is not just our teacher, he is our friend. When I am sick, he calls me and checks in on me. When I have a struggle with sin, he is there with me pushing me through it. When I suffered the loss of my sister and my father in the same month, he called me frequently to check on me and make sure I was ok. Our pastor knows each one of us, he knows our strengths and weaknesses, our hurts and our triggers, our sin and our righteousness, our past and our present, and he obviously cares for us. He lifts us up in prayer every day. He is truly a shepherd who closely watches over his flock with diligence and care (John 10:11-16, 1 Thes 2:7-12).

I have been very blessed because I have been shepherded before, while at Christian Challenge at the University of Southern California and at Berean Church in Rochester, MN. However, I do not believe very many others have experienced true shepherding. A while back, I asked a close friend from my Christian Challenge days about his new church, whether his pastor was a teacher or a shepherd, and he wanted to say shepherd, but when I pressed him on how much his pastor knew his personal life, his struggles and joys, my friend had to admit that he was only a teacher and not really a shepherd. Just because your pastor knows your name does not mean he knows who you are or what is going on in your life.

The word pastor means shepherd. I do not think we have many pastors in America, especially in any larger churches. We have preachers, and some of them are such amazing teachers! We have access to the best teaching on the Bible the world has ever known! The resources we have nowadays to study scripture truly facilitate a deeper understanding of the word of God.

Yet what does it matter how good the teaching is, if we are not coached through the process of living it out? Or if our teachers are not genuinely invested in our spiritual growth? Instead of discipleship, American churches rely on worldly counseling (even Christian counselors use the same counseling methods the world does). Another good friend from my Christian Challenge days was on staff with a large church, and he was seeing a psychiatrist about his depression that arose after his parents’ divorce. I asked him if he had access to a pastor at his church, any sort of access at all, and he admitted that he did not have access to a pastor and did not even know how to get time with a pastor. What good is a church if someone on staff with a church cannot get time with a pastor?! Counseling never lead him to healing from all his wounds. What he needed was discipleship, a shepherd to guide him through his struggles and point him toward our Healer, Jesus Christ.

Large churches have no excuse. I have heard of and experienced churches trying to do discipleship in this way and that, and the results never seemed to pan out, and usually the excuse is size, that there are just too many people. But the Bible tells us exactly how to do it. Exodus 18:17-26 is where Moses’ father-in-law explains to him that he cannot lead the people alone, but must, “select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain —and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens” (Exo 18:21, NIV). Starting with hundreds of thousands of people, they did this, so even our churches with tens of thousands could do this.

This would not happen quickly, but it could be done. What this means, though, is that churches are training leaders who are able to teach and be responsible for the spiritual growth of others. Most churches appoint facilitators to guide conversations in Bible studies and home groups, but this will never produce discipleship since they are not teachers, nor are they responsible for those under them, nor are they shepherds who care for their flock (no matter what size the flock). Notice the qualifiers above: capable, fearing God, trustworthy, hating dishonest gain. To know if someone met these conditions, we would have to spend intimate time with them.

I need to mention that if more churches were doing this, they would all shrink in size. This may be one of the reasons preachers do not shepherd their parishioners. People would be forced to deal with their sin, but most people going to Christian churches today are going to be entertained or to feel a part of something, not to deal with their sin and grow closer to God. They want to be able to walk in, enjoy the show, and walk out without anyone getting in their business and disrupting what they truly love, their pleasures and comforts that distract them from God. Many of these people are lost in the comforts of life (Luke 8:14, Rev 3:15-18), many still are lost in their hurts and angers and struggles that are not being dealt with spiritually – to be treated with the healing waters of the Holy Spirit (Matt 5:22, 28, 32, 44, 6:14-15, Jam 5:16).

Now I ask you, who leads your church? Is he your personal friend and shepherd, or is he simply a teacher who stands at a distance? Do you want an engaging show with great music and an exciting teacher, or do you want to be challenged spiritually to grow closer to Christ? Do you want a comfortable community that makes you feel like you belong, or a community that is honestly dealing with sin and learning to truly love one another? For the most part, churches give the people what they want (a word of warning, Jer 5:31), so what do you want?

Blessings! – Shamar Covenant

P.S. I have a sequel to this article, with some surprising discoveries about my pastor, but they still do not change what I wrote here.

Unflappable Tenacity

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A number of years ago, I put together a few Bible verses to memorize, with the goal of pursuing an unflappable tenacity within myself. I wanted to be calm and composed no matter how rough and uncertain my life circumstances were, and I wanted to persevere in faith through all my struggles and trials. I had spent much of my life losing my temper and getting angry or hysterical when life became overwhelming, and often it did not take much to feel overwhelmed. I also gave up on so many commitments, including a marriage, and I did not want to have so little integrity anymore.

Sadly, memorizing those verses did not lead me to resolving these issues in my life. I became worse, continuing to give up on many things, becoming angrier and angrier, and I was in a constant depression. As I gave more ground to the enemy, my heart filled with darkness, and I backslid in my faith so much that I believe I was willing to commit any vile sin. But I remember having a sincere desire to overcome this anxiety in my heart and give it to the Lord.

I recently heard a sermon where the preacher spoke about his struggle with anxiety and depression, and how he prayed and prayed and spoke to a counselor and how in the end it was being alone with God that brought the healing. I say, “Bogus!” God does not heal us simply by reading and praying and asking him to fix us. We are broken, and we need to do the work to repair our brokenness. We cannot fix ourselves, but God will not meet us unless we first walk toward him, and we do that by doing the very thing Jesus said that marked the beginning of his ministry.

From that time on Jesus began to preach, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.” (Matt 4:17, NIV)

My anxiety is caused by a lack of faith in God, when I do not trust him to take care of me and instead feel I must resolve all my problems on my own (Matt 6:24-34, Phil 4:4-7). Anxiety is also caused by my lack of contentment with what I have, when I look at what others have and want more rather than being satisfied with the food and clothing God provides me (1 Tim 6:6-10, Phil 4:12-13, Jam 4:1-3). God does not provide heaven on earth for us, if he did then we would never grow in godly character (Matt 19:16-30).

I remember when I was younger, I was so much more giving, and I allowed myself to be taken advantage of without feeling any need to get even or seek justice. Years go by, offenses pile up in my heart, and later I find myself being sharp with others, thinking angry and demeaning thoughts, being irritated by small innocuous disturbances, and holding onto offenses even though I think I have let them go. It would be easy for me to say that this is “just the way I am” and expect to struggle with this for the rest of my life.

I cannot do that, though. God is the Healer (Exo 15:26), the Provider (Gen 22:14), the Creator (Gen 1:1), and he loves me so much, more than I can even imagine (John 3:16). All he wants from me is to humbly come to him, broken and contrite (Isa 66:2), acknowledging my sin and unholiness and unworthiness (Isa 6:5), and asking for his strength and wisdom and mercy (Psa 51, Col 1:9-14). I know this is true, because when I was younger I saw myself make great changes in my life as I pursued Christ, but I gave up on so many things after being separated from Christian fellowship (that is worth an article of its own).

More recently, I have again seen great changes in myself. When I met my current wife, she challenged me to repent, which greatly offended me and I did not understand why. I went to the word of God and realized she was correct, that I did need to repent, that I could not allow myself to be angry. You see, I did not recognize how much anger I had in me until my current wife brought it out in me. It will seem odd to say this, but God perfectly matched us to poke and prod each other in the ways that most offended us. We have been forced to deal with our darkest darkness, to “admit it and quit it,” in order to make our marriage work, and we both wanted to honor God by persevering in the vow we made to one another and to God.

Today, I am so far from the depression and anxiety I once had! And it did not come from simply asking God to fix me, from spending time with God, from memorizing Bible verses or any of that. It came from doing what Jesus said, repenting, and from pursuing what he taught us in the sermon on the mount (Matt 5-7), where he said we must love even our enemies, leaving no ground for any unforgiveness or anger in our hearts. I am not there yet! But I have come so far from where I was that I know good things are ahead. I have faith and hope, do you?

So you see, God did honor my heart’s desire to grow in unflappable tenacity. I may not be as unflappable as I would like, but I know that those around me see me being more solid than I ever have been, especially as I have navigated a number of personal tragedies and struggles recently. I have also proven to be tenacious in how I have persevered in my marriage and at work and through all these struggles. I have grown in my faith as I come to God acknowledging my humble sinful state, and trust in his strength as I push through seemingly overwhelming circumstances. I pray you will also experience this, my friends.

Blessings! – Shamar Covenant

A Hard Teaching for Americans

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Slavery is a hard word for Americans to deal with.
© Durluby – Fotolia.com

Americans have a thing about slavery. It is offensive to us, it is an embarrassment, it is something hateful, it is a dark past that has never fully unlatched itself from our present, and it is completely and absolutely not-good! It is in opposition to the motto we sing, “Land of the free, home of the brave,” and goes against our founding document that states our belief in the “unalienable rights” of every human being.

This is probably why many Bible translations today changed the word “slave” to “bond-servant.” I have heard pastors explain away Biblical teaching directed to slaves, saying the word really refers to someone who voluntarily submitted to their master. Kind of like an employee.

It makes it sound not so bad that way.

As far as I can tell, when the New Testament writers used the word slave (or bond-servant), they were writing about what we would consider slavery, or human trafficking: a person who was property with no rights. This distinction is important because what the Apostles wrote to slaves is a beautiful expression of how deeply a Christian’s commitment to God must be.

This is from the Holman translation of 1 Timothy 6:1

All who are under the yoke as slaves must regard their own masters to be worthy of all respect, so that God’s name and His teaching will not be blasphemed. (HCSB)

Now, read that again. The Greek word translated to “respect” means either value or honor. This is an instruction for Christian slaves to not only treat their unbelieving masters with “all respect,” but to consider them worthy of all respect! This has nothing to do with deserving it, either, since these masters were likely quite harsh. Rather, the reason is to protect the name, or reputation, of God.

Who would tell a slave to give their harsh master a high value and deem them worthy of great honor? No one in America, I think. But if you get caught up in the slave/master relationship, you may miss that this has nothing to do with those harsh masters. It is about God, how glorious he is, and how important he is to us.

I asked myself if I take God’s name that seriously. Is the reputation of my Lord and Savior so precious to me that I am willing to honor those who have taken away my rights, abused and oppressed me, bullied me and harmed me? Do I value those who have made themselves my enemy so that I can ensure God’s name is held in high esteem?

How many Americans are willing to hear this? How many Americans who go to church every Sunday actually live this? We Americans believe in our rights, we cling to them and champion them and demand laws protecting them. We even protect the rights of criminals, those who have grossly violated others’ rights. The thought of a loving God wanting a slave to give honor to a vile master is unthinkable to us.

This, however, is what the Bible tells us to do. And it goes much further than teaching us to be good employees. This shows us how far the command to love our enemies must go, and that our Heavenly Father is worthy of so much respect that we give honor to the unrespectable.

I heard a story on the radio of a woman whose daughter was bullied. They responded by praying for the bully and by the end of the year the daughter and the bully were good friends. That is loving our enemies, giving the oppressors enough value to spend time in prayer for them.

Can you think of an example of how to do this in your life?

Blessings! – Shamar Covenant

That Distant Darkness

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I recently changed (day) jobs and the transition has not been as smooth as I anticipated. This is causing me stress that is sapping my energy and joy, which affects my family life.

My wife encouraged me last night to listen to the advice I gave her a couple months ago when she changed careers. This was: to let go of the past and all my mistakes, to focus on today, and to do so trusting in the Lord for the results (the future). This is good advice that gave me instant peace, because it is true.

This morning she pointed me to a couple Bible verses that say exactly what she reminded me of.

Mat 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (NIV1984)

This is actually a memory verse of mine, one of the first verses I clung to over 15 years ago, and for good reason. It is a common struggle of mine, and probably many others. It is difficult to let go of our need for food, shelter, and clothes, for provision and protection. As a man, I feel obligated to maintain a good job so that I can provide for and protect my family. Going through a rocky transition always creates fear over what will happen tomorrow, whether I will be able to pay the bills and keep us in a home. It is an act of faith to trust God with the results of my decisions and actions.

In seeking God, I am not lazy but hard working. I am not rebellious but a good servant who listens to instructions and attends to the needs of management and customers. I am not wasteful but a good steward of resources. I am not disrespectful but polite to everyone, even when I am upset or offended. (All of these come from a heart guided by Matt 5:3-10, not a legalistic list of do’s and don’ts.)

And when I fail in these or other areas, this is still true: I am not perfect but a work in progress, and God is my judge not the critics (including my inner voices) who intentionally or unintentionally bring me down.

Here is another verse she pointed me to, one I was not familiar with.

Deu 29:29 The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions. (LASB:NLT Bible)

We are only accountable for what we know, this I knew. But the future is an unknown, which means it is in God’s hands, and this I never thought of! Is this not encouraging? It still takes great faith to move forward today without knowing what will happen tomorrow, especially when so much of my past screams out my potential to fail. But I want to be a man of faith, so I must take this challenge head on and press forward into the future, in faith, seeking God’s kingdom first and trusting that my decisions are in his hands.

One more verse that many are probably familiar with.

Psa 119:105 Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light on my path. (HCSB St)

It was pointed out to me that a lamp only provides light for a few footsteps ahead of you in the dark, but you cannot see the distance ahead of you where you are going. That distant darkness that you cannot see, that is what you trust to the Lord, whether it is good or bad, favor or correction, life or death, prosperity or poverty. I can trust in God for that darkness because I know the end of that darkness is being in heaven, in the glorious presence of my God.

Blessings! – Shamar Covenant